Right, this is a simple dos and don'ts guide.

Don't: move your oversized handbag to the seat next to you from your lap the second you see a child getting on the bus. They smell fear.

Don't: scratch your head ceaselessly. People will think you've got lice.

Do: scratch your head ceaselessly. People will think you've got lice and move the hell away from you.

Do: offer your seat to the elderly.

Don't: sit there and stare gormlessly at the 90 year old with walking sticks as he feebly holds onto the hand rail.

Drivers Don't: break so sharply that the collection of standing children try to exit through the windscreen.

Drivers Don't: Shut the doors on Kenders trying to crush them as they vainly attempt to exit the bus with everyone else.

Don't: shout into your phone that you're on the bus, then procede with your telephone conversation in an even louder voice.

Do: use inner ear earphones so that the rest of the bus can't laugh at your choice in music. Also lessens the possibily of being stabbed.

Do: get out of the way when the person next to the window wants to get off, like sharpish! FFS! move your lardarse!

Do: move to an empty pair of seats when one becomes available, the person trapped next to you will not be offended, they will be thankful.

Don't: Bend the spine of the book you're reading back so far you might as well be reading a ring binder. This causes danger of verbal abuse from Kenders. And if you do it often enough to a book Kenders recognises and loves, danger of physical attacks.

Drivers Don't: speak to people who obviously have earphones in. Duh.

Drivers Do: Wait patiently for elderly people to sit down before putting your foot down and giving everyone whiplash.

Don't: sit to children when there are free seat elsewhere. Looks very very dodgy and all the bus will think you're a kiddie fiddler.